I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
