I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
