Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
