Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
