How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Alive.
So much puke
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
