Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
