i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him