Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
