I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
