Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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