I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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