i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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