it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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