She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
