I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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