fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
