a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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