My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
