So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
