You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
