I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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