I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
