yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
