well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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