I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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