PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
