I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So many bounce houses so little time
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
