one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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