Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I stole a fireplace last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
