He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
