hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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