Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
