Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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