well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
