So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
