my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
