First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
