your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
