No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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