I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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