i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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