Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
