You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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