i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
