All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
there's paper in my vomit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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