I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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