mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He did a backflip because drugs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
