Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
