sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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