Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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