Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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