I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
