my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
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We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
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Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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