I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
