I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
