I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
