Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
