Cold hands, warm shart.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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